Our MENtality: Connections Make a Difference

We are Human Beings and Need Connections. Men - lets stop shying away from Connections we need to Heal!

This is it! The final installment of the Our MENtality Series focusing on different aspects of Men's Mental Health. I hope that each of the entries got you to think and better understand the challenges we face as Men and that you each do your part to enable Men to speak up, speak out, and get the help and support they need.

What better way to wrap up the series than to talk about the most important aspect (or barrier- depending on your perspective) to Men's Mental Health and Well-being.

Connections.

Because Connections Make a Difference.

How else can we relieve the pressures we carry from society and our preconceived endless laundry list of responsibilities and duties, without being shunned that we are copping out? That we aren't Man Enough? That we're weak and need to bottle up our emotions and show some damn grit?

We have to have some sort of support.

Women have a plethora of options when it comes to Mental Health and Well-being. Its so easy for them to find someone to talk or vent to about their day to day.

But what about Men? Where is our support? To whom can we talk to or turn to?

Is it okay for us to even let it all out? Should we do it in bits? In a full burst because we've been pressure cooked too much? Or should we hold it in because someone will use it against us at some point?

Because deep down nobody cares.

All of these questions linger in the minds of us Men. Yes I include myself in this.

Thankfully as I write this, I have support that I need and am always seeking more, because I've been through some sh*t in my 40+ years of life. Definitely no walk in the park.

It takes the support of genuine people we trust to break through our walls of false beliefs and the grief of failure. In this piece, I will discuss 4 ways to strengthen our connections and choose 'our people'.

Choose Your Ears (and Eyes) Wisely

There's a quote from Isaac Newton that I fall in love with every time I read it.

"A bad friend is like a shadow; on a sunny day, (they) run. On a cloudy day, look for it - you won't find it."

I am a people person almost to a fault.

I have often times attracted or have been attracted to, the wrong type of people - or people that didn't stay for but a blip in time.

For whatever reason, things didn't line up.

The point I want to make here is, we have to know how to read the room.

We have to make sure that the people we connect with are TRULY our people.

We have to be able to trust them, and them trust us as well, because everyone has a story to tell.

For Men, its a big step out of our comfort zone to find someone to talk to and BE VULNERABLE with them.

Some of us (myself included) end up getting betrayed by those we open up to.

Our most sacred thoughts about our day to day or our pressures and traumas sacrificed for the benefit of the person that loaned us their ears to listen; their eyes to read our pain points.

Better yet, like the quote says - on the difficult days you won't see them. When they are having great days you never hear from them, until they need something from you.

When you need them, they don't show.

For me, I still foolishly made it an effort to keep checking in - a slave to Anxious Attachment at the time.

Until I learned they were gone the moment they got what they needed from me. They too abandoned me...or maybe it was I that drifted and I abandoned them.

I'm human after all.

When we are on the receiving end of being left for dead by our people, we overcompensate with calls and messages, or we go Frank Castle and off them from our contacts and remember the experience to dispose out vengeful justice to all the others.

"Never again will I ever--" we tell ourselves.

The sense of trust eroded and gone for good.

We lock up and never trust another soul, or make it extremely difficult to do so.

We distract ourselves with work and making money and yet,

there's a part of us that wishes we could take a knee and just talk - to a brother, a cousin, a friend, a partner - SOMEONE.

But that's the thing brothers...we have to choose carefully who we connect with. We HAVE TO connect to people.

We are humans, and humans thrive together with connections.

If we hold everything in, we will break under the pressure and snap on everything and everyone.

Leaving ruin in our wake to return to, every second of the day. Adding to the misery we carry in our chests as we walk this way.

So, how can we choose our ears and eyes wisely?

Ask for help. Drop your pride dealing with everything alone.

Drop your disdain for people because you were betrayed x-amounts of time. Its extra baggage and you are already carrying enough weight.

Follow your instincts, not your fears. If the conversations flow without effort, chances are you are in the right place.

Realize that every connection serves a purpose and has an expiration date. Appreciate the moments and gather what you can from them. Every word spoken is a tool for your arsenal as you evolve.

Like energy attracts like energy...or as we say in the streets - Real recognizes Real.

The right people will emphasize 'WE' instead of 'YOU'. This is because they know we all struggle and they truly want you to win.

They share as much as you share. There is no restraint when it comes to vulnerability.

Listen and Relate Whenever Possible

Whomever you trust to open up to must be able to listen actively, and if possible, share an experience or understanding they can relate to.

Think of this as the secret sauce to building rapport.

After all, we have two ears and one mouth, so we should be listening more than we talk.

But when we talk, we should, at a minimum restate or acknowledge what is told to us.

Many men (or people seeking help in general) wave off opening up because of the experience or the perception of people not giving a f*** about their struggles or what they have to say.

Or, they feel the other person is so far above them they don't want rhetoric about what to do or not to do - based on something they read, heard, or got their college degree on.

That is a MAJOR PROBLEM we need to stamp out!

The barrier to this is something I observe about myself as well,

we all want to be the dominant voice in the room.

We blurt out our thoughts before the person even states the issue they are having,

because we want to be seen or heard as helpful or on top of everything.

Or we have such high octane, supercharged, instant gratification mindsets that we catch cramps holding in our thoughts because we would be so quick to forget them.

We have to actively listen. No distractions. No blurting stuff out.

No sitting and going "Uh huh....uh huh, yeah" like Diddy in the All About the Benjamins x Foo Fighters Remix (That was a dope record! Don't come at me!!! LOL)

The best conversations have a natural back and forth and have a deep problem to solve or a story to tell.

Actively listening is a big piece to the equation, but not the whole cake. There has to be relation to it.

Many of us share the same, if not similar experiences we can draw from to share and also to RESTATE what they shared in our own way. This is a mutual benefit because you are imparting your knowledge to relate to the person sharing and yet also you are connecting with someone who may give you insight to an issue you may still be facing.

I may say this throughout the blog a lot but, we are human. We are all relative regardless of sex or how we look, what we believe, etc.

We're all gifted with life to live, so why not share who we are and what we have?

Remember, our stories can save a life!

But just remember, even when we relate to the person with our experiences, it is NEVER about us. The end game is always to listen to the other person and engage in meaningful, mutual, and heartfelt conversation with understanding.

Vulnerability Weaponized

There was a post on Threads I recently commented on.

The question was: What do you think prevents men from seeking help for mental health issues?

My response: Their vulnerability being weaponized later. Getting shunned for not meeting societal standards of manhood when they (too) are fraudulent and fractured.

Let's dissect my response, because this is the uncomfortable truth!

Is it surprising to you that Men silence themselves because their vulnerability isn't honored by other Men and Women alike?

Men shun Men for being broken, crying, and not representing 'Man Up' culture. They're told to get the bag, build the business and all the things I mentioned in my blog in the Our MENtality Series. Getting discouraged like this, why would that man that struggles want to open up?

Vulnerability WEAPONIZED.

Women, who shout to the hilltops that Men are sneaky, they ain't s***, that they want a man that's OPEN, HONEST, GOD FEARING, PROVIDES, PROTECTS, all the sweet buzzwords they get from their parents, girlfriends, and all those romantic shows and social media content they watch- and yet when they get such a man that admits that he is struggling, these same women are dumbfounded.

They freeze in their tracks.

Wait a minute, I need my man to be strong. WTF is this? Why is he crying? Why he snapping like this at me? He needs to man up. I don't need my man to cry. He needs to be tough, go out there and do the damn thing.

But then when he struggles to do whats expected of him by his partner, she arms the nuke and lets him have it.

She slanders him, rubs his struggles in his face.

"You ain't no real man."

She'll abandon him, before she actually leaves him.

Tell me if I'm telling lies.

Vulnerability WEAPONIZED.

Family ain't much better.

They'll sometimes follow suit the way the fellas at work do.

The women that are successful with their education, businesses and college degrees while having perfect kids, slandering your struggles.

Mom and Dad indifferent as you tell your story and mentally they shrug and say 'God's Will be Done.'

Or they flip it and say that the Devil is testing you or the way you live your life isn't Christlike.

"Boy you need to act right."

But yet the godly couple is the subtle reason why you're marked with trauma from generations past and the dire need to perform for love and acceptance.

Vulnerability WEAPONIZED.

Oh yes, let's skewer societal norms. Always changing into something more drastic.

Going against the natural flow.

Everything must be fast, instant, right now.

We don't have time to listen to your pity! You're slowing down progress.

Go get some drugs and make some money, it'll solve all your problems!

Thats what men do. Make money, live lavish, get the power, get the women, repeat!

Sorry you're hurting but you're not producing.

Go be a man, stop being a SIMP!

Vulnerability WEAPONIZED.

But wait...what you're telling Men is...no matter what they do, they will always be shunned?

Work hard and break...unable to provide anymore? Shunned.

If he's kind, generous, and lives his life as peaceful as he can? Shunned.

So what the f*** are these societal norms for when there's never a true way?

And yet, Men are closed off from those that are supposed to support them because of these norms.

Because of their own misconceptions.

Because of their own traumas.

Because of their dogma.

Because of their ideologies.

Because of their fantasies and expectations.

Because the laws are FOR and AGAINST them.

He's a Man...he created the Patriarchy and must go down with it.

Because their way IS the ONLY way.

'To hell with Empathy.'

But...isn't Empathy what we need to heal?

What good does weaponizing vulnerability do for the human species?

Does it relieve us of the stress we face day to day from carrying the load?

Or does it add weight to our chests while our bodies keep score from the wear and tear on our mental?

What happened to human decency and caring for one another?

Did the algorithm banish it in favor of AI created content with the click of a finger telling us to buy our problems away?

We need OUR people!

Those that listen.

Those that genuinely understand and want to help us heal.

Those that relate to us.

Those willing to touch us in kind and say "I hear you. I see and feel you."

Those willing to go the extra mile just to see whats up and share their load with us so we can grow together, not apart.

Unbiased and nonjudgmental regardless of religion, race, culture, or upbringing.

Do away with societal expectations of Men and Women, replace it with genuine care and concern.

Watch the world around us change for the better, one conversation at a time.

But we Men desperately need your care, love, and support.

Sure, some handle it better than others, but dammit a kind word or gesture could change that man's life.

Empathy HEALS the world, one person at a time. Weaponizing has done more than enough harm...look at whats happening right now!

Open Communication Matters in Our Connections

I'll close up by saying that conversations MUST become the norm, and the foundation towards Men's Mental Health and Well-being.

We have to be able to find our people to talk to.

People that will Listen and Relate to us.

Would be great if they didn't need or want something in return

But I also understand for some, this is a profession, and professional help IS HELP.

Therapy can make a difference brothers, don't shy away from it. Its not all textbook talk.

These therapists have been around the block. Many of them have suffered in life, and that motivated them to get the education and do the work to make a difference.

Talking to someone, crying, getting it off your chest.

You ain't weak bruh!

That is strength!

Think about it man, the air that leaves your lungs as you speak your truth is Hurricane force winds out into the Universe.

Wind is Powerful!

You are Powerful even when you are Vulnerable.

And if therapy isn't your wave at the moment, that's okay too.

Just make sure you communicate with someone!

Someone you trust.

Someone that gets you.

Someone that will uplift you and make an effort to support you.

Someone mutually aligned and interested in your well-being.

Someone that won't make you feel bad for being at a low point.

We're all human. Humans have stories, so lets share them and heal before it's too late.

I'll close with this powerful quote for Men. Take note:

"The load of tomorrow, added to that of yesterday, carried today, makes the strongest falter." - Dale Carnegie

Don't falter my brothers. YOU Matter to ME.

Sound off in the comments below what you thought about this article, and all the others in the Our MENtality Series. If you haven't read those, check those out! Love is Love and I appreciate All of you that take time to check out my flow.

Until the next one my people. Lets stay #WRITEntangled