Our MENtality: Men's Mental Health stories MUST Be Told!

Max the Ronin that Writes
Jun 11
9 min read

Updated: Jul 19

A Man hangs his head in shame under the pressure of his thoughts — *"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man without his trials. " - Seneca*

It's June y'all, an important month for quite a few reasons.

It's the wrap up of the school year, and for some, its GRADUATION TIME!! (Congrats!)

It's the beginning of Summer Vacation. You know, that splurge and go out into the sun and do EVERYTHING time of the year.

Wedding Days.

The best sales before Christmas.

Bronx Day (Shout-out to the Boogie!).

PRIDE Month (Respect to y'all out there spreading love in your own unique way for yourselves and others).

But there's something noticeably missing here and a few years ago even I didn't really know about it until I took my stab at Podcasting. A friend of mine (shout-out to my Soul Twin Ms. S.H.) mentioned it was Men's Mental Health Awareness Month.

Something that I now wave the banner on as much as I can.

But the lack of awareness resonates in the digital space, where we will see more posts about Pride than we will about the shame that many Men settle with in silence.

As a man myself, especially a Black Man that has gone through MANY trials in the shadows of life, it upsets me to see how Mental Health is often swept under the rug and cast aside as a whole.

But for Men...the likelihood of not seeking any degree of Mental Health care is astoundingly high.

Sprinkle in the racial and ethnic disparities and financial demographics and the numbers will tell a very scary tale about us Men and how we value our mental wellness and stability: We'd rather grind ourselves to the bone to provide and be successful than go get the help we need to make sense of ourselves.

That's what I'm here to talk about, from my own lens of experience.

The lack of Men taking care of themselves mentally is a real epidemic, and where the lack of awareness shows there is not enough of a 'cure'. We claim a month dedicated to the awareness of Mental Health, to encourage men to get out there and get the help they need. Thats great...BUT....lets be real here, 30 days ain't enough. Men's Mental Health stories MUST be told, but there's a few reasons why they aren't...and its hurts us ALL. Over the next few posts I want to talk about the barriers as well as what we need to do to enable men to share their stories. This will be a series you don't want to miss. This is Our MENtality.

When it Rains...

If this is your first time tapping into my Blogs or you don't know me personally, I will sum up by saying I have been through a lot of heavy things in my life. Every seven years of my life (literally) has put me in a situation where I was forced to evolve. Where something that was a part of my identity was sacrificed to the essence so that I could learn and grow. But, it came at the cost of a long stack of grief that I personally ignored. I pushed through because I had to be the the leader. I had to drive everything forward despite the hardships.

I've been through homelessness (as a child), shattered my two front teeth in a funny but not funny skating accident, deployed to war twice, 2018 where EVERYTHING fell apart....I was homeless so my family had a place to sleep three hours away...gave up all but one vehicle...lost the home...all the things that a man wasn't supposed to lose...but did.

Now 7 years later I fond myself in a marriage that's...undefinable. Its not happy and joyous like its cracked up to be. Its a friendship and a co-parentship. There's no love energy there but there is a genuine love and respect. It was a big part of my identity for 14 years and it crumbled over time for reasons not spoken...sudden...subtle. The split (again) was recent and mutual though we live under the same roof still (don't look at me like that. Read From the Archives: The Mess of a Man).

On top of this, I subconsciously dealt with the pressure to conform and perform as a child while under the home of a single mother raising two boys to men, with the best of her ability. Some words were spoken that transformed me into a people pleaser and planted the seeds for me to develop and later counter an anxious attachment to friends and people I tried to pursue romantically. Each loss making me feel more inadequate than the last...but I just kept on going.

Why? Because Men aren't Men if they quit doing...chasing...pursuing...grinding. This is the indoctrination all men are given in some shape or form. So I ignored my pain and kept jumping into the loop of survival to avoid loneliness and failure.

Such is the case with a story I want to share, in the form of a triple post on Threads recently (follow me @maxwriteslife) in the aftermath of a sort of complex event that happened, and highlights why mental health and stability is so important and yet so easily fleeting.

Not gonna lie I'm in a funk today. Sh*t happened this morning that pulled me back into the struggles of the past. Funny how I've talked about Men's Mental Health lately because this has hit me pretty hard. Maybe my overthought of 7 years back has me on edge. I've been thru a lot. But I know I can and will come out of this. It's tough as a man to wrestle with 👇🏾

The drive to provide... To help... To be honorable. To carry the whole fort down... The guilt of not knowing what to do or asking for help of anyone because you don't wanna be seen as less than by the masses or your close ones. Fortunately I have people I can converse with but I can't shake the feeling of not having been able to help more somehow. Crazy ain't it?

People have said a man's life is easy because they have all these freedoms and make so much money... And yet lol... I don't feel that way. I've felt the weight of struggle and transformation every seven years of my life. This year is no different. A marriage decayed and yet we live together and now this. It's a lot Yall. But... Just take it in stride. Process it... Grieve if you must... That's what I'm gonna do....

Mentality on the verge of Breaking

To give context, her vehicle, which we share, has break issues as of this writing. The very next day when she was leaving for work, her car wouldn't start because the battery suddenly croaked.

She had to step away from her job again because she had already called out the day before when the breaks grinded like Pharrell and the Neptunes. So without her income to supplement what I was putting out to cover everything including Food, Electric, and WiFi for work.

Because I knew that she needed the vehicle to line up work, to cover what she needed, I put out a hundred at first.

Then the battery died, so I forked out two hundred-thirty dollars more to either try to fix it ourselves or have it available for a mobile Mechanic.

My mind immediately went into lack mentality mode and put a heavy burden on my chest like a boulder. I'm thinking "Damn I'm already tapped as it is. Where is the recoup going to come from? What about the other things I have on my plate? My premiums for healthcare are about to jump which means I'm going to make less money per check and that's going to set us back a bit as far as income? Then rent is gonna jump in January..."

So of course I'm questioning my value as a man because if I don't have the net to provide for my family, what am I worth? This is a question that so many men have in their minds, whether they admit to it or not.

My mind was racing. Why did everything about the vehicle have to happen all at once? And it just so happened I'm in the beginning of that seven year cycle that I mentioned earlier. WTF am I gonna do now? Can I even fix it? If not, what then?

And mind you, this is coming from someone that has been working on his mental space. Someone that has gone to therapy for a few months...but maybe a few months, let alone a few days or practices isn't enough to safeguard my peace and calm my mind from worry to perform and appear as a good man.

We tried to fix it ourselves but the Universe was like:

"nagh bruh you're not going to win this day. There's a lesson to learn. An example to be made."

My son was out there with us in the parking lot, wanting to help us take off the tire and fix the front breaks. He's young so we tell him a lot of the stuff is heavy and difficult to handle but we would let him know when we needed his help. He's a little fireball and has some struggles with emotional regulation...which would prove to be the lesson the universe was trying to teach me with myself.

There was a latch I fought so hard to get off and I was getting visually frustrated, to the point I was coming really close to cursing and snapping. I was pissed! Why? Because of the "Man Up" epidemic.

If I couldn't handle this what kind of man was I? If I couldn't fix this, even though I am not a vehicle inclined guy by any means, I was less of a man...I was a failure.

Lack mentality and inner critique in full beast mode made me hulk up to the point I was ready to slam the tools down and go all the way off.

But I remembered something...something that I learned from therapy and my own journey of healing and self discovery.

Introspection breeds Mental (and Emotional) Clarity

I am not an angry person. I am a human being, and human beings are NOT skilled in everything they attempt. There will be moments of failure that will teach me lessons and help me get better.

I remembered to be aware of who I was and my surroundings. I am a Father, and my son was present, watching his phone yes, but also seeing and listening HOW I was acting and reacting in the moment. Going full rage quit would be counterproductive to what I was trying to teach him about emotional regulation and his own mental health and wellness. For children, parents are the first line of defense and learning at home. If the parents are angry and arguing or getting into things that are unsafe or unhealthy, the children will see that as normal and replicate. This is why I have accepted what is with me and their momma. So I realized I had to walk it off, breathe, and in this moment accept defeat. To process it via decompression. In this moment, he was watching and he would learn the right way to deal with his moments of frustration.

Just because I am a Man does not make me perfect. It does not make me the Expert on things I have no experience with. There are things I cannot do..and that's okay!

Life has no prejudice. It brings wins and losses. When the losses come, it doesn't mean the end of the world is here....and I'm unable to bounce back from the setback...I've recovered so many times before.

In times of struggle, my self compassion is my comfort. I showed up. Gave it my all. I tried.

Each of these points I never would have considered had I not been put in situations so many times before that put me on the path to LOOK INWARD and nurture my mental and spiritual health. Had I not taken time to journal, read, do things that I enjoy to decompress, and go to therapy (See my Archive Drop - Navigating Obstacles: My Mental Health Journey), I would not be sharing my story with you. I would have probably been a nuclear warhead detonating in frustration at home or at work from all the pressure. Yep- there goes the Neighborhood.