From the Archives: The Mess of a Man

Disclaimer: This is a throwback post from The M-Tea Mindspace Blog Site and was published April of 2025. This is a re-release for those that have not yet seen the blog as it touches on a subject near and dear to my heart. Please read and know this is a heavy tale on my life.

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Heavy is the Crown they say...or is it a Mask?

A mask I've been conditioned to wear...or did I choose over time to wear it?

Groomed from my childhood to be a certain way...to stand for certain values?

To please?

To stand for family?

To earn an honest living?

To love unconditionally..if that's even really a thing? 

To create?

To be wealthy?

To appear to be and have it all together?

Perhaps the answer is yes to everything...

But am I a mess and about to lose it all again?

I'm a good man I suppose, by no means perfect.

Though at times I strive to be, because of some leftover, unwritten insecurities in me.

I sit and wonder what is yet to come.

As I stand on the precipice of change 

A change to what I know

A change to what I've helped build...or carried

A family of my own built in love, left to rot in...

Something.

Something I've done? I don't really know.  

But I am responsible.

Responsible for my actions or lack thereof.

But deep down...is it all on me?

I lead...that's what men do, right?

Lead, provide, uplift, support...

I've checked every box yes?

But I've also gone astray at times.

Been silent when I should have spoken.

Spoken too much when maybe to the silence I should have listened.

Reached out outside the bond and got too close.

When emotions drifted away from me.

The connection severed by the shades of the unknown

The phantoms in our subconscious, our souls become strangers.

Standing on cliffs, the gaps widening over time.

Am I to blame? At least partially?

No she says. No I say.

I did all that I should have done.

I, like a human should, just made a collection of choices.

Influenced by hurt feelings, split second emotions, and in a blanket of another rejection.

I wanted love, connection in the emotional, physical, mental, spiritual.

I had that at first, but like sand it slipped away...

Proof of impermanence, always constant, forever changing.

Affection gone like an exhale.

But was it ever there?

Where did it go?

Why is it buried so much in me like a pressure gauge, ready to burst?

And yet be discarded and dismissed from one you swore and oath with?

Why do I continue to cling to what may not be there; a spirit that's lost its touch.

That sense of honor: to self, to children, to family.

The appearance of the latter,

To not be like our families before them.

Raised under broken roofs and numb hearts.

Struggle, strife, and generational curses.

A statistic I didn't want to be, and yet here I am.

A King, Warrior, Magician, Lover - full package...

Bonded to a lovely woman become lifeless in love like a thrall. 

The why remains undiscovered in her mind, and yet another why lingers...

Why must the essence of expression in love withdraw?

Where has the affection gone?

Affection says what words cannot, silence writes the end of love's chapters

Affection offers thoughts of the other, 

when distance consumes them so.

Affection is the tea of the soul

In the winter grasp of adult living: the 9-5 and hustles, childbearing and raising.

Affection is the color we add to our canvas, the masterpiece dull without them.

As the essence withers away, I ask myself

Did I do enough? Did I make the right choices? Is there more that I could have done? How do I feel? Do I still love and care for myself? What support do I need right now?

A heavy breath leaves my lungs every moment

As I ponder what comes next. As I question what right will look like now.

Must we separate again? Create a different kind of union? A platonic one while I trust the universe to provide me someone that can replenish me where I am famished in a mutual way?

A closeness of emotion, mental, spirit? Maybe physical?

What will this say of me? This isn't normal...this isn't what we're taught and told. 

Marriage is the pinnacle we're told. But yet we fall short so easily. 

We expect the other to be it all for us. To fulfill our every want and need. To support and hold us down every day. 

But what if all along, its a multitude that does that? Between friends, family, and maybe more than one partner?

"You're a cheater...a man of dishonor like all the others" many will say of this...

But when you're a man that has done it all and cares about his people, what is dishonorable in that?

When it is agreed upon, is it not honorable to follow through on an agreement?

Even if its something Unorthodox?

But none of that matters, I have no right or wrong to prove.

My truth is my own...and so must be my choice.

We all have our battles to fight internal and otherwise.

I know hers she feels must be fought alone for reasons she may not know...

Honorable in itself.

I appreciate her and what she's tried to do

even though I miss our closeness and wish it could return.

To that I leave to nature and seek to recover what I never lost:

The experience I've gained over a decade.

The family that has been built.

A safe place to call home.

A love and trusting of myself.

A drive to express myself authentic and true to me,

whether I am lauded or appalled for my choices.  

Heavy is the Crown indeed...

as I carry the Mess of a Man.