Navigating Obstacles: My Mental Health Journey

My Mental Health Journey has been a Roller Coaster- But an Important Ride!

WRITEntangled Note: This is a release from the Archives of the M-Tea Mindspace. June is Men's Mental Health Awareness month. In light of this, I wanted to open up a bit about the highs and lows of my own Mental Health Journey...and what a ride its been indeed. To come back from what I'd been through in life and get my way into therapy, I couldn't leave this story untold. I hope you gain something from my trials through the mental healthcare system, especially as a man of color.

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 Lets face it, Mental Health (especially during the COVID era)  over the past couple of years has become an increasingly important part of our overall wellness as human beings. However, there are several reasons why people opt-out of ongoing therapy sessions: The imbalance of need vs number of practitioners, heightened costs due to the need, lack of empathy and down-to-earth understanding of therapists, and the fear of being JUDGED. 

Last year, I took the bold leap to dive into the world of therapy, after advocating for and discussing it with one of my best friends to tone down the harshness of my parenting. Lets just say my kids were more afraid of me or filled with disdain for me verbally disciplining them and taking their stuff away, more than actual parenting. When New York City attitude meets a Military career and a chip on the shoulder to have well rounded kids (proving mom wrong and making her proud), its a catalyst for a rough time in my household without professional intervention!

So, I gave it a try for about two sporadic months and stopped. Why?

First Therapist - Where You At? (Not a Boost Mobile Advertisement)

 Maybe it's because I used Talkspace therapists and didn't really get the face to face experience. For the life of me, I could never get much interaction out of first therapist. She was friendly based on the first interaction. She set the conditions and let me know that her chat was available and she would check in and respond frequently and guide me as best as she could on my journey through therapy.

She eased my nervousness generated by my villainous inner critic who believed that I would be judged and immediately offered medication because I was broken. Harsh right? She proved my inner critic wrong!

Not only was she friendly at the beginning, but she also was NOT responsive. I would check the chat multiple times a day to make sure I wasn’t missing something, which sadly was a habit of mine with people I regularly talk to (not a social butterfly, but desperate for constant communication. You can cringe now, thanks). Since this was my first time using Talkspace, I was about to claim false advertisement! 

Why was she not reaching out to me? Did she read my message? Did she even care? Why the hell am I getting weekly assessments with my therapist when I have yet to even speak TO my therapist?

--Unsubscribe--

No, not really. I decided to stop for a while because I was let down. Ten weeks later my benefit ran out and I stopped therapy for about a year. This example seems to highlight the issue within the therapist space. There is such a high demand for therapists now, but there is not enough of them to go around.

Yes, platforms like Talkspace are very useful for people on the go or people who don’t feel comfortable meeting face to face, which opens the door to other means to communicate.  But the market should meet the customer demands for mental health therapy. Otherwise, you will have long waits to get a session, or in my case, not get to speak to a professional at all because they are responding to hundreds of other patients out of their practice. This should have ended my therapy journey, but life kept 'lifing'.  

Second Therapist - Zero Empathy

My second therapist experience was quite bland. I had a male therapist, which is exactly what I wanted to get the true male experience. He was a military veteran as well so I figured this was a win win! I was excited to start messaging and building the relationship.

Once we got started and had our first session however, my first impression was washed away with a sense of dread. He spoke in an exhausted, direct, yet distant tone. One that had just come back from a long tour of duty with all the other poor saps that were telling him their problems and how hard life had been up until this point.

Perhaps I exhausted him with my one of a kind description skills, giving him the entire rundown and my analysis on how my childhood tied into my separation from my wife and which also tied into how I raised my kids.

Maybe I overwhelmed the guy, already exhausted from previous clients and was in a long need of some food, a vacation, and the scotch hidden in the lower left hand drawer of his work desk. I don’t exactly remember what he asked me to do, but his lack of empathy and presence unnerved me.

I can sit here and speculate the reasons why he was distracted and seemed distant as he tried to scarf his lunch as he spoke with me that afternoon, but I knew then and there he wasn’t the right fit. Dang it. The first AND second one was a dud. One more screw up I brought into my life.

Third Therapist - A Monochromatic Lack of Connection

 I selected a new therapist after a three week break from my second failed attempt. This time I chose a woman given the need for empathy, which appealed in a way to my anxious attachment and need for external validation . Not only did I find a woman, I happened to find a black sister in the field!

She wasn't a military veteran, but looking at her credentials and perks, I figured she would be more than adequate to help unravel the confines of my mind when it came to parenting while separated. I did share my conversation from my previous specialist so I didn’t have to re-explain myself (not that I didn’t mind because I have the gift of Gab) and we started chatting.

Something about the way she asked questions or responded to my answers gave me a feeling I can’t quite explain in full. I felt more distant with her and I couldn’t really open up the way I wanted to. Not that she had an attitude or was distracted like my second therapist, but there was something amiss. Maybe all her credentials didn’t jive for what I was hoping to get out of the sessions.

Or it could've been I didn’t set conditions that tied specifically to me, such as me wanting to fight my fears, counter my limiting beliefs, and gather tools and practices necessary to cope with being a separated man that's a parent to three children.

It could also be that she couldn’t relate to my situation because she was not in it, a big issue with some therapists that go off of what they were taught in college or studied earlier in their careers. Bottom line, like Mark Cuban in Shark Tank, after two weeks of chat sessions and no video call or phone conversation, I decided I was out.

I did my own Therapy…kinda

The three strikes you’re out rule was applied for almost a year.

I meditated, read books, watched motivating YouTube videos, and a few other enlightening things I enjoyed. However, there were still some things lingering in the background that were influencing my day to day in a negative way.

My biggest hurdles in my modern life (like I’m Rocko or something) are my fears and limiting beliefs about myself and what I am capable of. I have gone through life worrying about how I’ll do in the future, worrying about my inadequacies in life, achieving success and what to do with it, am I a good parent, what will come of my marriage, why haven’t I developed like most men, when will I ever make more money, the list goes on.

These thoughts are some of the things that have held me back, or rather, I allowed them to hold me back from doing things like standing up this blog sooner, publishing my many creative writing stories, stepping up my investments and finding ways to get multiple streams of income, offering my skills and services, and learning and mastering new skills.

I stay in comfort because I don’t want to make a mistake and have people look at me like I am a fool. I don’t want to be seen as someone that doesn’t belong here. That I'm not man enough to be successful.

However, there has been something brewing in me that has led me to really look inward and want to break away from these old ways of thinking that aren’t necessarily true. I recently made peace with my mom and apologized for holding onto a grudge over words she said to me that meant no harm at the time. Releasing that old belief that I was “Naive and Gullible” removed a major blockage in the form of my need to prove people my abilities and strength, to compete, and to do things for other people’s approval.

I ruined relationships and killed a lot of great ideas and momentum because of those three words alone. Last but not least, apologizing to my mom for my harshness and letting go paved the way for me to decide to give therapy one more try.

But ‘It's Time to Go Back’

The classic line from Leonardo was a defining moment in the 1990s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. The Turtles got handled by the Foot Clan and were forced to flee when April’s place had burned to ashes. After a vision and speech from Splinter, Leo’s classic line meant it was time to take it back to the streets and find their ‘Father’.

The same line echoed in my mind for my mental health journey. I know it's time for that change. I’ve held onto this heavy baggage for at least 35 years (the first 7 years to me are the sponge years, where I learned everything that eventually became my current self). I see a vision of myself that is where he needs to be. He has the life he deserves. He minimizes his fears and executes with confidence and clear intent to uplift himself, his family, and those around him to be better versions of themselves. The path to make all of that happen starts with my therapy, to improve myself. I have my first appointment scheduled and after all the mishaps, it's time for it to go right!

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Bonus Entry: I did the thing!

At the time of the original post, I was scheduled to start a new therapy routine. I am pleased to say that my fourth time was the charm! I remained in therapy for about five months and made a lot of progress mentally. My therapist was also through Talkspace, but she was everything I could have wanted. She was friendly, empathetic, attentive, and responded in kind to me sometimes multiple times a day.

The two of us worked as a team to unravel what lingered in my mind as well as my emotional concerns.

I did my deep diving and shadow work when I had time during the week, with journaling and research, trusting my budding intuition to guide me. Where there were some holes or opportunities in my train of thought, we came up with a game plan together that worked for the months I attended the sessions.

I felt better not just as a human being, but as a man. I was a man that rose to the challenge for himself. I managed to stand against my inner critic and limiting beliefs, against societal norms that said men needed to man up and push through. I ignored the notion of men not crying. I moved past the fear of opening up about my thoughts and feelings because they would be dismissed and cast aside by others.

I did my part. I showed up and put in the work step by step, moment to moment. I am better for it now.

Don't get it twisted, I still have my work to do, and I'm at it everyday. I may be out of therapy in the moment, but as soon as I feel the need, I'll tap in, get my authorization set up through my employer and get back in touch with my therapist.

The moral of the story is: We all fall short and struggle in life. When it gets tough, you don't have to be silent. Your inner critic can be an asshole at times, BUT, you owe it to yourself to take care of your mental. Seek help in the form of a therapist. Do your research. Don't feel guilty if you have to change therapists multiple times. Choose someone you can dance with, and wants to dance with you. Don't feel like your therapist is going to judge you for being imperfect. Thats B.S. and if they do, swipe right...or is it left...I can't keep up LOL.

But, stop playing with your mental health. With everything on the line, Mental fitness is NOT an option!

Until the next one my people. Stay #WRITEntangled