The UNSEEN Pandemic: Loneliness

Is it odd to feel so alone in a world full of people? Or is it just...me?

Its the most wonderful time of the year.

The Holidays.

When people are supposed to get together and spread joy and cheer amongst each other and to people they know and then some.

But for some of us, we're left out...just like any other day.

What makes it worse, its this time of year where you feel in the pits of your stomach that:

You don't matter to anyone.

You're forgotten.

You're an afterthought until...

They need you for something.

They're bored.

They need advice from you.

They "miss" you.

And the list goes on, longer than the actual one on one interactions they've actually had with you.

Ain't that some shit?

Does any of this sound familiar?

Perhaps you are one of the many that feels out of place.

Feeling like you don't belong.

Like no one gives a damn and wouldn't even take a deep breath if they learned something even happened to you.

Hell even social media doesn't give a fuck about you because no one even notices when you post something from the heart or the mind or something you create entirely just to get yourself out there!

Yeah, that one hits different doesn't it...

But if any this resonates with you, or it feels like you or even someone you know.

Just know that I see you...hear you..feel you.

Hell, I am You...I'm the Ronin that Writes, and I am part of the Community of One.

A statistic in the Unseen Pandemic: Loneliness...(or at least its how I feel walking this road without much company that actually wants to be there.)

Loneliness from my Perspective

I feel alone in the midst of millions of people.

OK, so I don't know millions of people, maybe hundreds at best.

I can fake it til I make it.

I can smile and laugh with the best of them.

And still feel like I don't belong in your midst.

I'm far from an introvert...okay maybe I'm a bit reserved.

I love people. I enjoy my connections...hell I live to make, sustain, and care for them even sometimes to a fault.

The fault being when the resonance is killed off,

by your vibe or their absence...and the more it happens, at least for me, the more it hurts.

The more I question myself:

What did I do for this to fall apart like all the others?

Was it something I said or did?

Was I not helpful enough?

But its not always on me...its a THEM problem too.

Even from my childhood years, I knew a lot of people. Labeled them as my "friend" long before I could even spell the word or understood what it was and what it entailed. Everyone I met was cool and I would just chat away because, it was a vibe.

I was young. I didn't know anything other than innocence and fun.

Shit I used to watch and read added to my definition of friendship. It seemed easier as a child, but as I and the people around me got older, the friendships that were, started to change.

They started to flow less and less.

They started to wither and die.

This trend would follow me from school to the military.

I'd be lucky to talk to my first sister in arms who's officially retired from service now, or rather hear from her.

But alas, life happens and you gotta take care of you.

No shade- but it be like that more often than not.

I wrote a Blog not too long ago entitled Letter of Severance: The End of Dead Friendships (linked at the bottom of this article).

I lashed out at those that disappeared just because. I was sour, maybe still am, because I valued relationships and friendships so much that I wouldn't even hesitate to send a text or call when those people crossed my mind. But what about them?

Did I ever once come up as an after thought?

Did I ever fit in their bubble full of goals and successes?

Was I a buffer to the vices that they struggled with?

I had to write it all out as a letter that I KNEW many wouldn't even care to take a moment to read...

yet another confirmation that the bond didn't matter.

That I didn't fucking matter.

Those that did read it didn't even rebut or say anything...but your attention is none of my business, right? (sips tea)

I was a social media fiend back in the day.

Met so many people online, and so many fell off like dead skin due to time and circumstances.

Granted I my desperate ass was seeking potential partners to flirt with...all of those backfired. When I was on social media, I followed many people only to find out in the last days of my last intimate "attempt" at a relationship, that none of the people I followed, followed me...one hell of a confirmation of one or two things.

First - I didn't fucking matter. I was a number to them.

Second - This was confirmation that these people had no business being engaged in conversation with me because that was never their intent in the first place.

So in frustration I said fuck this, I'm out...I'll grow my blog organically even if it takes me an entire lifetime to do.

Here's a hot take, I'm a writer and I have STRUGGLED to stay connected in various writing communities because...I feel like I honestly don't belong. Sure, people are friendly and are encouraging each other to accomplish goals and throwing out how many words they write in a session or a day...but I'm not like them.

I don't resonate with them.

I feel like I don't belong and it sucks because I want to share my craft with people that want to be there. I want to share with people that resonate with it and have pointers for it, and yet I don't feel the drive to go on a search fest to find people.

Why?

Because I'd rather be alone in my bubble..a crazy contradiction.

I've even tried to research different communities and inquire in some writing spaces...nothing. I joined a group recently and...crickets. Make a whole bunch of rules, cut me from all the channels until I tell you about myself and when I do, you say nothing. No welcome other than a preprogrammed message from a BOT. The fuck?

I'm not about to force my hand to be seen by you, I'll just fucking leave and figure out later who is going to critique my stuff without throwing hundreds upon thousands of dollars out per hour just for them to kindly suggest I add more tension and get my head out of my ass.

I am feeling the loneliness and it has been a struggle for me to keep seeing the shiny side of this. I can honestly say that I have a hand full of people that I consider my core of friends that actually check up on me and I am truly grateful for them. They add a brightness to my life even from afar, even with a check in every now and again. I hardly go anywhere unless its with my kids or out on a walk somewhere. Last time I went out to do something for myself was NYC Comic Con in 2023, and even then I didn't go with or meet anyone I could keep in touch with. WTF...maybe its me.

The loneliness is getting to me, even though I have been coming to terms with it. Lately, I've been reflecting on what happened over the years to all the people I invested into...and why these things happen so frequently and easily. This series of questions led me to write this to perhaps get other people not only thinking, but expressing how they feel and maybe, just maybe connecting with someone like me that can relate and wants to talk this life shit out.

Loneliness the Shape-shifter

My mom lives in New York, and she is someone that I know also is suffering from loneliness, though she will not admit to it.

She will subtly reference being alone whenever I call to check on her during the week.

My mom has always been resilient and prideful.

Feet in the ground like a true Taurus.

But with this time of year, its extremely difficult for her to cope.

Its not just being home alone that gets to her.

Its the coming anniversary of the death of my brother Ed.

He was the first born, the child that made her into a mother in the first place.

The child that was to become a man and handle her estate when it was her time to go home to the Lord.

Now that honor is left with me. I coordinated his affairs from thousands of miles away, and my mom will be next.

Though his passing was not swift and overly dramatic like a fatal car accident in a movie, its traumatic enough in that its difficult to stop grieving and live your life happy go lucky all the time.

I guess in a way my mom is like me, she's used to being alone and yet she is pained by it. The only difference is I ain't scared to express it and bare it all. She, on the other hand, bottles it up to be strong and not be used or exploited by anyone else, not even her family.

I mention my mom to highlight that loneliness can come from many external forms. I mentioned grief. My mom also comes from another country which presents another form of loneliness. Some of us choose loneliness to be "at peace" and not be exposed or manipulated by anyone else because we're ultimately afraid of being misused or taken advantage of. To some, loneliness or being alone is considered a virtue.

Some will argue that loneliness and being alone are two different things, but the end result is the same...you are standing on your own on dangerous territory where you become a Self-Made island (as I mention in the article Your 'Independence' is a Prison. Here's Why!) . You're protecting yourself out of fear or remembrance of an adverse situation involving another bond that went awry, and you don't ever want to have that happen again. You may convince yourself of your peace, but deep down within each of us is an inner curiosity and wonder to connect with someone, even just to have a cup of tea, play a video game with, watch a movie, or have small talk. It's in our genes. It's how we survive...together.

Part of the reason I feel this sense of loneliness is because I fear being rejected, ghosted, and bypassed. I've come a long away with this, but the old way of thought still lingers. Hell, I don't even know where to start with connecting with people, and so I write like this in hopes of it becoming a way that I can. Social media is that place that reminds me just how lonely I am..that hardly anyone sees me or wants to engage, and maybe that's the problem. Maybe I have become so fixed on how things appear for other people. Perhaps equating Followers to Friendships has me fucked up. The more followers the more people fuck with you right?

Nagh, not in my case, I'm the Ronin that Writes after all. My shit ain't for the goofy or the colorful. This right here is for the feelers, the thinkers, those that wonder and want to be okay with who they are on the inside. Most don't want that, so they step away from it subconsciously. Maybe I've done that too and that's how I lost a few heads along the way.

How To End This Pandemic

All pandemics eventually come to an end. Sometimes the vaccines come quickly, other times it drags out and becomes nothing more than an illness on an occasional rotation like the Flu. But we have to start somewhere. I have to start somewhere.

Step one is acknowledging the person I am within. Admitting my concerns and fears, expressing them knowing that even if someone heard it they could choose to use it to trash my name and reputation, destroy me, or even kill me. Each of these things is scary in different ways. But as you start to uncover and express your truths, you'll discover the hidden gem of peace that comes with it. The peace of understanding and realizing that you aren't a bad person.

That you aren't unworthy of meeting good people also going through their walks of life with so many dents and questions.

By acknowledging who you are you pave the way to know your left and right limits, your boundaries, your values, how far you're willing to go to connect and when.

This step takes time and may even occur over the course of the rest of your life...and that's okay. Some of us have layers upon layers of things in our minds and hearts that terrify us or cripple us to not want to share anything with anyone. Its no easy feat for one that's so used to protecting themselves in loneliness because of what happened in the past. But take that time and use what you feel is right to come to agreement with yourself.

Step two is opening the line of communication. This one is, in a way, fucking terrifying! Maybe not so much for me, but for others that either have always struggled with people, or are truly vice gripped by struggles with anxiety. Or maybe its a deep trauma that stretches beyond you as a person. Whatever it may be that holds us back, there's someone out there that genuinely wants to give you a listen. Sure, it takes two to tango as they say.

Sure, you're inviting a stranger to knock on the draw bridge door (Plothole...how does that work if you have a moat???)

Sure you have to put in the work mutually to get a conversation going, but its a start. We humans can and often do make communication frightening and difficult, but its not impossible. Know what you are willing to give and take, which kinda goes back to my first point. I am an empathetic person, but I know if the vibe is too dark for me, I have to step away. Love people, but I now know when to fire the flare and say yeah this is getting too much...and that took A LOT of growth. But by opening the way for communication, you are enabling a path for healing to take place for one if not both of you. If you know of a group or want to stand up a group, do it. I've tried both and burned out so it may take me awhile to do that (I promise I can be a social person)

Step three and most importantly, be grateful for the the opportunity to connect and wish them well on their journey. You'd be surprised how a quick check in and a thank you or a "hey thinking of you today, how are you holding up" can make a difference in someone's life. We're in a world that has grown more cold and prides itself on independence and patriotism while putting different people down in the dirt physically and mentally. Lets do better. We have to do better. We all have our journeys. We all have our goals and fears. We all don't know what lays on the other side of meeting someone, but in the off chance its meaningful, isn't it worth the effort to connect? Isn't it worth the effort to check in and make sure the other person is alive and well? (or as well as they can be?) I know it would for me.

I know this one was long but I just wanted to talk about loneliness and how we can combat it. We simply start by being ourselves and keeping the communication door open to possibly meet new people who think and feel like us. Hell, they may be different from us but at least they are willing to build something from that, you know? Perhaps the way to change the world is to modify the definition of human connection itself, and put loneliness to bed, especially during times like this. As I mentioned, I don't have social media like that but if you are feeling alone and want someone to talk to or want to get something off your chest, do leave a comment. Maybe that comment can lead to something great that can benefit yourself and several other people, who knows. All it takes is a single word or two...or three...I'll read and respond to them all.

Just know that with me you don't need to be afraid or feel like an outcast or like no one gives a shit. I'm a Writer. I'm a Libra and a father to three hyper ass kids. I know all about connections and being an outcast.

Some Food for Thought - "A friend is a gift you give to yourself." - Robert Louis Stevenson

#IAmTheRonin #TheWRITEntanglement #RoninsReminiscence #Sword #Loneliness #Community #StanceofTruth #EmotionalAlchemy #CreativeSovereignty