Standing in My Own Way (How I've Blocked my Success)

It's a beautiful day to contemplate yet again this month. The sum of all numbers in the Month/Day/Year brackets all add up to nine. Interesting enough I pulled a Death Tarot Card, which symbolizes the ending of the old and coming of the new. I pulled an Oracle Card that said to pay attention to the Universe as there are messages out there waiting for me by way of symbolism. I realized the date and the saw a Horoscope message hinting to the fear and struggle of release of bonds that no longer serve me, so that I can move forward.

Again, a nod to endings. I think it not only highlights cutting ties with people, but also things I've held onto. Mainly mindsets. So this personal entry is more along the lines of burying those sorts of things. I'm ready for the release... Are you? If there's anything you know you need to let go of but you haven't... Or can't seem to? I've been there a long time. You're not alone.

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Love

This is something that radiates within me. I've had many endings and beginnings. More than my fingers can count. I've finally decided to let go of the chase and won't you believe it, I stumbled across an opportunity to have a mutually aligned romantic relationship...ahem...love .

To be honest... I feel the realness.

The difference in it...

And I'm grateful for the chance to love again.

This love comes with its challenges and to be honest, there's the parts of me that are still in the process of healing. Lady Morsel and I have had our differences and they shook me to my core.

Why?

Because I had my reservations about my bonds with certain people. For example, I have quite a few female friends and at no point would I overstep boundaries or come off in a manner that is dishonorable to myself, her, or the other person (especially now with this new opportunity).

I've been that way in the past because I was constantly seeking connection... So much that it became an addiction. But I've taken steps to learn from that.

Honoring boundaries.

Admittedly, I saw her point of view as coming from a place of jealousy, and not from a place of 'observe and protect' what is being built. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed after some space to think, and we were able to talk it out. I realized something during the pause to think and revisiting with calm conversation. Something I had forgotten through my experiences. Though I meant well and have spoken to many people with straight-forward intentions, I haven't been the best judge of character either.

I haven't really been the best judge of character in my life and the bonds I formed because I projected good qualities upon them...

They dissolved or backfired.

So what now? What lays ahead?

Respect and Honor.

Maintain balance by honoring boundaries. By communicating what's cool and what isn't.

Coming to consensus together. To clear the air on whatever comes to mind like we have been doing. There's stages to building a bond and it can take a lifetime. Neither of us seeks or wants to control and we both know there will be things that get to us. We have to work through that.

No more running or finding an escape when things get tricky or difficult. As for people I come across or talk to now, honor boundaries and watch the alignment. Gauge the gut instinct and not try to befriend everyone to be seen, heard, or to get approval from, as I'd done in the past. All in all I'm grateful for a chance building a deep connection and how it's allowing me to heal and grow as a person, because there's things I may miss and vice versa. All I know is my innermost self feels a pull down to the soul level towards her. I would have been a damn fool not to pick up on the energy and let it ride. It was time to receive what I deserved after such a long time.

Standing in My Own Way of my Success

This has been simmering within me for quite some time over the past few weeks. I have been reading this book called The Laws Behind the Laws by Owen Hermstring, and I made a vow to actively find ways to crush my limiting beliefs especially about wealth and success in life. As I read about how the Universal Laws enabled manifestation, I looked at my life and how I'd been ruled by fear....and I hate it... But haven't done much about it.

I may take a baby step here or there, but something in my subconscious looks at the current state and I'd get discouraged or say how the hell is this gonna take shape.

"I'll never be able to do this the way they are doing it."

"They make this sh*t look so damn easy, how?"

And then I sit and dig back into my comfort prison of doubt, fear, and disbelief.

So I've taken time to reflect and came to the conclusion that deep down I have been standing in my own way. It's like a feedback loop of disbelief especially with my writing and promoting the WRITEntanglement Experience. When I post, I share with a few selected of people...

Because I feel like no one is going to give a damn about the deep thought stuff I write.

I've come across people that just see the message and don't acknowledge it. Or the post is liked, but the piece is never read because either they don't align with it or they just don't have time to read my complex thoughts.

That feeds into the thoughts of not being a worthy enough writer... And that effects my confidence to write more, market more, do more. However, that doubt is not true at all.

I've been writing a long damn time.

I've had some Beta Readers saying Blade of Echoes was DOPE! Personally, I know I have a kick ass mind and can paint pictures with words like no one else.

Bigger than that, I understand that what I create will NOT be received by everyone, let alone right now... And that's okay. At least I am learning and doing what I enjoy. And that kicks ass! I am proud of myself for that!

Because I know I can do this, I am going to continue to build myself up not only as a writer, but as an overall person. It's time to bury the doubts and the old beliefs that stemmed from my childhood...the ones that have echoed in the night of my mind saying it's going to be difficult to succeed as a writer.

What I've Accomplished

I mentioned this a moment ago but...

Shout out to my Beta Readers that took the time to read some, if not all of my Novel over the past 30+ days!!

Thank you Lady Morsel (Love You! Thank you for supporting me with everything I do), my Battle JG (your joint: La Finca was Lit Girl!), Ingenuity (stay strong and stay true to you bro! Drop them poems!) , and Jina Vale (Libra Sis! Thank you for your truth in your Blogs) for taking the time out of your busy lives to allow this Bronx head to write a story HIS way! Your feedback is overwhelming and energizing!

I've also been able to keep pushing on my blogging here, no matter how many people get to see it and read it.

Whether I get a like or comment or not.

The fact that it reaches ANYONE is a gift I am forever grateful for.

I've finished a writing course on Traditional Publishing and now taking a course on Self-Publishing in preparation for planning the release of Blade of Echoes. I was also able to take my old notes on Trello, cross reference the latest draft, and prepare the nuts and bolts of the synopsis and pitches I'll need to get to potential literary agents. Scary and yet exciting!

Before you and I know it, I will be a published author!

Coming up on a Year of Blogging

Speaking of writing, my year mark of consistent blogging is coming up soon! This is something near and dear to my heart and I am very proud of. To those of you seeing even this post, I truly thank you for your time and your eyes. It means a lot to have someone read what I put out there, even if they tend to be long... Or not as flamboyant as some of the other stuff you may see smashing into your brains from point blank range.

I reflect back to when I first started blogging on MySpace. I just wanted to talk sh*t and document my personal journey at that time. Oh how I wish I still had access to my old profile, I would reread everything I wrote to see truly how far I'd come. But seriously, to come back to blogging and see how I have grown over time is therapeutic, and I will still continue to grow like I'm taking Flintstones Kids vitamins (we're big and strong... And growing... At least I think that's what they sang 🤣).

Yes I'm that old!!

As for what lays ahead for me and this digital journal of mine

Evolution at the Speed of Wordplay 😊. Thats my motto going forward!

Until the next one my friends.

Let's stay #WRITEntangled