Soulful Release: Fear, Control, Scarcity, and the Chase

Time for another round of random thoughts from the Conscious and the Subconscious. So much to talk about that I don't even know if one blog is enough. It's time to release to make room for more. For better.

WRITEntanglement Note: Hey all. I know I have been on hiatus on my socials. I have been okay. Just been in deep thought and wanted to take a break from getting bombarded by a bunch of posts that have honestly challenged my own personal journey. In fact, many posts rattled me to the core in disdain, disappointment, pain, and a new found focus. There's so much division and negativity building in the world against people, groups, different ideologies and practices. Everyone points the finger at everyone. I can go on but, we really need to start looking inward and ask ourselves if this is vibrationally the way for us...to point the finger, to blame, to NOT hold ourselves accountable for our choices or our roles in the situations we find ourselves everyday. I detest what I have seen for the most part...how vile and dark our world is becoming..the same world we're supposed to come together to cultivate for humanity, not for never-ending and meaningless conquest and power given the attitudes of fear, resentment, and the saltwater quest for abundance through force. The thoughts I lay here in this addition to Depth to Write, capture what lays within me as I walk my way through life.

I recently had a sit-down with myself in reflection and felt the need to write down my intentions and release them into the Universe. Its time for a Soulful Release. A release of Fear, Control, Scarcity, and the Chase. So here I sit flipping the bird to what no longer serves and aligns with me. It's my time. The B.S. has to go!

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Soulful Release of Limiting Beliefs

My first opportunity to focus on is my struggle with limiting beliefs regarding money, wealth, resources, and abundance. I want to get out of the scarcity and survivalist mindset where there is never enough to go around, bills keep on coming and the drive to keep pushing forward at the expense of my peace and my body and mind because that is what society dictates I must do. That is what the "wealthy" shows us that must be done.

Many have said shift your mindset. Visualize your future and live it as if you ALREADY have it.

But, when you are pushed out of alignment with your vision because you see the neighborhood you reside in, its been tough. When you grow up in a household that works three jobs for each person just to break even and you're still struggling, that says how tough it is even when you are armed with the tools (because in this age, one job per person apparently isn't enough, and you have to get multiple college degrees which don't even guarantee you'll be made for life. Pay in to hope you make it.).

The world is in the frequency of strife and struggle right now and to be real, I don't want to be that way anymore.

I don't want to keep being the person that cringes whenever I need to spend money on food because I'm the only one that has the stable income coming in (that's not to throw shade, it is the truth right now).

I'm tired of being the penny pincher that always has to tell the kids no because we have bills we need to pay and need to cover on the basics first, when those basics are getting more costly by the months.

I'm tired of feeling like 2018 is coming back to bite me in the ass every time I look at my bank account and watch it fall under my budget goals. Why? Because I'm grabbing so many random yet necessary things from Shop-rite everyday and NOT buying anything extra for myself.

I want to live comfortable without killing my physical and mental being to climb the corporate ladder or take the path everyone else seems to take because they want to be their own boss and answer to no one...because they don't want to aide someone with their dream (and I understand the logic behind it trust me). I want to find my own damn way...to make myself and my family proud...to set them up for the long game and still be able to enjoy life.

But, I just don't see myself as "money abundant"..and I wonder why. I don't want to chase it or freak out about it. I want it to come to me as I do what resonates with me. So I must find my way towards that mindset.

Many have said hold money, talk to it, love it, build a relationship with it, visualize it, say affirmations, put money under your bed, pray with it and on it...and yet, I just want to live in peace and have whats meant to me flow. I will not slave for it...I will not beg for it. I will not kill for it. There must be a way conducive to me and that resonates with me. I won't search for the way, the way will walk towards me as I walk through the rest of my life.

But this struggle mentality MUST die.

Soulful Release of Fear

For all my life, I have been afraid. So many different fears I wonder how I am not afraid to do even this. Maybe I was way back when when life was 'Lifing'. But between not being enough (inadequacy), not having enough (scarcity), fear of the past returning, fear of the future (overthinking, anxiety and worst case scenario/crisis planning), these are the shackles that pulled me out of a life worth living.

An old war ship that lost its luster and counts it's days before its decommissioned.

I don't really know why I harbor so much fear in my life. Perhaps its because the root of it is my inadequacy. That people will see me in a different light than how I portray myself.

Perhaps its because my PERCEIVED inadequacy means that I will fail...and failure means no one will want to stay with me or respect me (rejection).

Or perhaps, I feel I am really good at what I am doing, but no one will want to see me or hear me out. A voice silenced by the ignorance of the masses because I wasn't flamboyant, I wasn't fake, I didn't follow the 'EVERYBODY' or 'ALGORITHM ENDORSED' blueprint to get followers and likes.

I simply was me.

I maintained my peace while I worked on my craft.

I remained reasonably consistent and yet...nothing...

The silence I gave my innermost self before I started this journey to self-realignment.

And its scary...

How can I be a writer when even IF I grind and market to the ends of the earth,

I am still not seen?

I am still not heard?

No one wants to pick up my books, or no one wants to give it a read?

What if I get terrible reviews?

What if...I actually knock it out of the damn park?!!!

This last one I am honestly doing a bit better with. Not going crazy with the fear of publishing and not being seen and heard. I am starting to realize that the right people will see and feel what I put down. I will attract the audience I know is out there and as such I will keep it 10000% ME.

Why? Because I am worth it.

My present is worth it.

My future version of myself is worth it.

Besides, I am creating...that is a God given/Universal/Divine gift, and I am charged to use it in my own unique way. I don't need to be famous to use it. One person is enough. I am enough.

Its time to put an end to the imprisonment of fear in my life!

Soulful Release of Control

Something else on my mind has been the need to control every outcome because of the fears I mentioned above.

The drive to survive and to say that I have or I was successful in doing this thing so I could fit in or give off the appearance of a good man or a good parent. All of this at the expense of peace, stability, and a sound mind. When I seek to control and don't get the desired outcome, I notice my worry.

My veins turn cold with ice water, my heart quickens like Sonic in a chase scene.

My breath more shallow than water in desert sands.

I'd rush through things to catch up or correct my missteps before someone has something to say that I'd allow to assassinate my character.

Or I'd do that myself passive aggressively to quickly dab up spilled milk so the slip up could be hidden....

Tape on a mask cracked many times... So what's one more crack to add to it anyway?

I have to release control because in the end, what good does absolute control serve when there will always be something to slip through the cracks? Always something to remind us of the timeless lesson that there is no perfection ever reached. Sometimes even your best will be a flawed appearance or experience and no amount of disdain or fear or toxic emotional reactions will change that. We are human. We have flaws and mistakes that make us unique.

No matter what we do, someone will say its great or it isn't, and even that can change on a dime. So why strive to have everything in order? What good does that do to us but inch us closer to the day we expire and dim our lights out of disdain that disintegrates our aura like a fog?

Fog....

It dissolves like everything else in nature. At its own pace and time. It all operates under universal law.

If leaves can go through an entire life cycle without bickering, complaining and striving for control on a branch or a bush, why can't we, when like the leaves and even the tree itself we meet hardships and will all eventually perish? It is all out of our control. Where we differ is in how we handle ourselves. To control what's outside of our perspective is to promote stress and even an early death. Release your drive for control disguised as being right, just, perfect, pretty, handsome, ambitions, and all the buzzwords you think people love to hear. It's against the flow and will inevitably work against you.

Mutually Aligned Connections (And a New Hope)

I have been blessed with several people that I have been able to connect with mutually on Threads and Instagram and it has been a blessing. I'm not one to look for hundreds upon thousands of followers or looking for tons of likes and follows, but I've really enjoyed the moments of engagement and the connections I've made. Some have become friends with me and are fellow writers (s/o to my fellow writers and Scarlet Letters!!!).

Interesting enough I have also come across a select few people that I have been attracted to. I have gone through a wild transition on where I've stood with dating and partners and love in general but I can say with a smile that I am in the process of natural connection with someone that stirs my heart in ways I forgot and also never got to experience.

Why? Because I tried too hard.

Because I wanted to connect so terribly to kill my fear of abandonment and of being alone. Admittedly, I have also done my share of not so good things and so I've drifted like a nomad in seek of someone...

Until I decided to just... Stop.

I stopped chasing.

I stopped begging.

I stopped trying to go after everyone that was the opposite sex.

Funny, I almost lost her by telling the truth...which ended up in a reversal or sorts.

I hurt the other person in the process (which is always something that pains me when I make a choice), but I also aligned with someone that I feel deep down is the best fit I've had for me. And when you know that a choice is right, you feel it...and I couldn't escape the choice that was most aligned to me.

I can't speak for her but based on how we interact, what we've talked about, how she smiles more, laughs hysterically when we joke around, I feel like she feels the same way. I have no intentions to control... To be desperate... To play a game ... To mislead and then dip out when things deteriorated or felt off.

No, not this time.

There is no control in this. Just two souls connected even down to the spiritual exploration level. The mental is stimulating even from oceans away. I can feel her presence even when physically I take my walks alone. I can hear her voice and her laugh every time we text. Its all a shock and yet...it all feels right because it was willed without force.

Crazy as it sounds, it came to me when I least expected it and out of the options she stood out down to the soul.

Neither of us knows how this will all play out. Whether its forever through life or for a few blips. What matters to me are the moments and the depth of the connection. I'd been shallow and indecisive before, but there's a level of certainty that drives me to take a chance, show up, stay grounded, and just be ME.

So to the lovely Miss Morsel reading this:

I see you.

I feel you.

I hear you.

I love you.

I am with you in mind, heart, spirit, and one day, universe willing, physically in each others embrace like none other.

Perhaps this is our crazy version of Romeo and Juliet. But time will tell.

Lets write it together until the ink dries...or we get cussed out in a variety of languages...hahaha (yes I slipped that in after all!)

This completes my Soulful Release, signed and sealed Lion's Gate Day. Happy born day Ed (RIP Brother)

Until next time everyone

Lets stay #WRITEntangled