The Ronin Strikes Back: On Writing, Social Media, and Enneagrams

Even a Ronin can take time to reflect. But sometimes reflection can also be a scribe of battle. This entry of my digital journal will be no different.

Whats up my people! I promised you that I would be dropping a follow up to Ronin Unhinged, and here I am! Those of you that are still following me after my 'shoot', I am grateful to you for staying. Those of you that are new and haven't really discovered me before or have come across this on a whim from the Universe, welcome to the wild ride and thank you for coming.

I appreciate you!

While I am thinking about it, my thoughts go out to those in the Philippines that are dealing with the aftermath of the Super Tsunami. I hope that all of you (or your loved ones) are safe and sound and have a place to regroup. I know that it is a difficult time and I fear for you all. I have a former friend out that way and I hope that she and her kids are well! If you are reading this Mari, you're in my thoughts.

Now. back to the storm that IS my next round of rants. This one wont be as heavy, and it's more of a personal matter than it is worldwide, so...maybe a false alarm? No...definitely not. Because this is my digital journal and I can spill whatever I want on a page because it helps me, and there are other people going through, feeling, and thinking exactly whats been lingering within me.

The Wildcard Approach to Writing: The Anti-Standard

It's November, and you know what that means...Its NanoWrimo! The extravaganza known as National Novel Writing Month. Writers from all walks of life over the next 30 days to write a novel or the equivalent of at least 50k words.

If you're like me, its making you cringe like "How the fuck is that even possible for someone like me?"

I ask myself that question everyday when someone within the writing community (I partially participate in these days) mentions anything about goals they have or have accomplished. They talk about where they are at with their works in progress (which is awesome!). They mention what their overall word counts are for the day as well as the project, and honestly, my jaw drops...and suddenly I wonder to myself-

What the fuck am I doing writing?!!

Many writers swear by daily word count goals, and it makes me want to throw up in my mouth. I am not a word count guy. I'm a sit down and have fun and enjoy what I'm doing kinda guy. Sure, I should be meeting my goals at a certain time. Sure I should be reverse engineering whatever I am working on to figure out what I need to do each day to get there. Sure, there is such a thing as Death-lines where you ain't shit unless you satisfy yourself with x amount of goals completed in a certain time....but the inner flowist in me is like Fuck you structure, I'm going to rebel and do what I want, when I want...which wins out most of the time.

However, there is also the part of me that feels like there's so much to do as a Father working a full time job from home, homeschooling his kids, and doing other things like building his blog presence with the shit that makes people wanna swipe right (haha). I'm an adult damn it, not a full time author...and I need and ENJOY my downtime...whenever I can get it because I'm ALWAYS doing something outside of writing. I'd love to be like all the other writers out there pumping out novels and prose multiple times a year. To be the authors that have the multitude of success through hard work, determination, premier marketing success and all the technical know-how of their craft...which oh, by the way, I am taking some classes and reading books as well to expand my own knowledge.

I know what you're saying...you sound like a Libra..always trying to balance. You damn right I am! This is why I am ant establishment when it comes to writing standards and trends. I want to do it in a way that works for me, not because its "tried and tested" by multi-book deal authors saying it worked for them. What if I don't want to shoot for words? What if I just want to write for 5-10 minutes a day? Does that disqualify me as a kick ass author? How about a half hour? How about I write a page or two? What if I do it in bursts? What if I don't want to NanoWrimo? Yes...that's my choice. and I am okay with that!

My point in bringing this up is to promote the notion of saying fuck it...I wanna do it this way, and not feel guilty or less than, for doing it in a way that isn't popular. For doing it in a way that's against the grain and still allows you to ENJOY YOUR CRAFT. So if you are a writer and you are feeling like you don't belong with the masses as far as their practices and jumping up and down about writing 1000 words today...fuck it, do you! Find a way that works for you and promote yourself everyday...or whenever you put something on the screen or on paper. What matters is that you feel awesome about what you are creating. Fuck the trends. Fuck going by the best practices, even if it takes you longer to put out that novel. Do it at your own pace, in your own way. When it's ready, you will know. Then, you can publish what you have and watch it grow. But first...you have to market it...and the "tried and true" method is with...yeah...fucking Social Media...ugghhhhhhhhhh!!

Social Media and Rebranding: WTF am I doing?

So a little over a month ago, during a split from a decent relationship, I killed my Meta Social Media Accounts. This cut the cord from EVERYONE that knew me personally or followed me because of a post I made...or rather, access to people I followed that didn't give a fuck about what I put out, they just wanted the numbers and for the algorithm to favor them...which is a big reason why I stepped away.

I've been one to take pretty lengthy breaks from social media, but this time its different. Personally and Creatively, I have grown tired of appeasing the masses in that way..or maybe I feel that way because I had that shakeup? Maybe because I didn't anticipate how much work it took to saturate the already saturated market of writers out there that have the TIME, RESOURCES, IDEAS to pour out seemingly endless content on so many platforms. For little old me, my brain is like....where the fuck do I even start.

Experts would tell you to post regularly to get the algorithm to "like you" and bring more people your way...but that's broad advice. Many have said average of 3-5 posts a day per platform. Make sure your SEO stands out. Short Video is better than long form. Post pictures of anything. Talk about fun facts about you....

The list goes on...and to be honest, each of them can fuck off! The rhythm of posting and hoping people see or hear me is a bit much for me. I don't have a real strategy that feels truly organic to me. I don't want to be setting up multiple posts to fire off. I don't want to come off happy go lucky and super colorful. I don't want to fuck with Filmora to make my videos (if any) sparkle and glitter with the trendiest effects. Hell, what the fuck are the right hashtags and meta-tags to use anyway?

Did I mention that I'm a busy person being at home? LOL.

OK, just checking. Not making excuses ladies and gents.

But seriously, I am, and I do not want to burn myself out to fit into a puzzle with over 30k pieces. Maybe it has to do with what I'm going to talk a bit about next, but I really don't need or want a large following. Now that I think about it, I'm okay with a small circle of people that WANT to get to know me, and vice versa. I want to truly build a community of people that pick up what I'm putting down. A community of people to trade ideas with. But why the fuck is it so difficult for me to come up with an idea that's ME and run with it...stick with it?

Maybe it's not a social media problem. Maybe its an inner me issue I need to come to terms with. My experience with social media always ended up getting muddled with personal goals of connecting with females, something that I have had put in my face multiple times, and so I came to terms with it, perhaps in drastic fashion...for myself. But I also know that I want to put my work out there as well. I wanted to find the right platforms that were the right fit for me, but my approach has always been weird or tainted. Distracted I guess.

But not now. Now I ask the question - what's next for me if and when I return to Social Media? I know one thing, I want to come back as a ghost. I want a different approach. I just want to fire and forget. I'll post even the messy drafts. Snap shots of my works including these blogs. I'll be a bit more patient with the flow because my words are timeless. Once I publish, its out there for the world to witness, IF and WHEN it wants to. There will come a time when what I write will strike someone in the heart or the mind. Someone will read these or my novels and go:

"Shit I felt that in my soul"

I think what fucked me up is the more followers I got, the more I would get paid for being noticed. It has been a sort of addiction of mine and I have been in withdrawal for quite some time. I want to do it differently. I have the bare bones of what I want to do. For now, Blue Sky Social is my Lab.

Enneagram Decoding: Is this a Joke?

I was listening to a Podcast the other day called "What If For Authors" by Claire Taylor who is an Enneagram Coach. I hadn't a clue what it was, nor did I realize until the second episode in, that she offered a breakdown of each of the Enneagram types and how they would carry themselves in a certain "What If" scenario. So, being the explorative person I am when it comes to who I am as a person, I decided to look up what an Enneagram was and try to get one done on myself. Turns out its another type of personality test that focuses on how emotions drive our lives, how we interact with people to get what we need, etc. Me being a person that seems to struggle to FEEL and EXPRESS my emotions fully because deep down I didn't know how to feel it or didn't want to go off the rails in an emotional tirade (ahem...like I did in part 1 LOL), I decided to figure out what type I was.

I was disappointed at first because...each of them required a payment, and I wanted to be a cheap ass (This is a clue on mine by the way). I first cross referenced my ENFJ (Protagonist) personality evaluation with what I thought I would be for Enneagram...and let me tell you...I was OFF on my primary personality.

I was shocked and disturbed to find out that my dominant personality was a 5. My initial reaction reaction was "This is fucking bullshit. How?" However, digging in a little bit more after some time to ponder, turns out it may be more accurate than what I hoped I would be. The 5 personality has scarcity mindset written all over it, which is definitely something I struggle with to this day, especially FINANCIALLY. As a 5, I believe that resources aren't in plenty and as such, I force myself to need/require less. It moves me to retreat from the world and into my mind to conserve time, energy, and whatever resources I do have available.

That was A LOT to take in. The 5 personality type, to me, DOES relate closely to my 7 numerology type, in which I am very reserved and would rather spend time alone to harness my unique gifts in private and solitude. The 5 trait is part of the Head type, which is driven by FEAR...something I am heavily influenced by. This can be a gift and a curse of course, but for me I know it has been a constant struggle to get out of my head regarding fear of the unknown and inadequacy.

Without doing a full breakdown of my chart, I'm pretty much painted as an emotionless twit, that would rather rationalize emotions instead of feel them. OK, maybe twit is HARSH, but I struggle to see the good in this type. Lately, I've been wanting to understand a bit more about emotions and what causes blow ups, such as what transpired in my last attempted relationship. I didn't see the whole "good" side of what she was bringing to light. I saw it as a threat or trying to box me in to protect her heart from being played or rather from outside influences. Her emotional wave threw me off and what did I do? Fight back and then withdraw. I determined it wasn't worth continuing, because it stripped away at my peace and stability. I said to myself this isn't the first time its been like this...so if I stay I will constantly be poked at for talking to females the way I did in the PAST, even though I was doing my part to be what she needed me to be, a good man.

Funny, this scenario reveals several of the Challenges of being a 5: Over-compartmentalizing life and relationships and Trouble expressing emotions spontaneously (or in this case, under pressure).

A 5 has this fear of being overwhelmed by others needs as well as my own. When feeling in jeopardy, I'll say fuck it, isolate from people, certain situations (marketing on social media sticks out here), and certain aspects of myself to avoid being controlled or being held accountable. Does that mean I'm a cheater or don't want to be held accountable? No. It sucks being wrong yes, BUT it doesn't make it okay to force me to be a certain kind of way when it conflicts with who I am. Sadly, at times I won't speak about this, I'll accept the other person with the rose colored glasses on, and then dip out when it becomes too much. I've looked back at my relationships and as much as I love to love, especially the last relationship I was in...I'd end up leaving or sabotaging it somehow. This is why the Scarlet Number 5 hits me so deep.

Looking at the qualities of the 5, I see Self-sufficiency (which can also be a fault. A jack of all trades, especially being a single mother son-husband). I am absolutely Reflective, in that I will contemplate on things before and after a decision is made or action is taken. Fives don't like to draw attention to themselves (somewhat true, but as a writer, I want my work to be discovered and enjoyed). I mentioned Over-compartmentalization, or separating everything into little boxes in order to deal with things AFTER the fact (like when my brother was in the hospital and I was telling my kids what was happening, I cried briefly and then went back into warrior mode coordinating everything, a super power of sorts).

Lastly, when it comes to emotions, fives hide from them, seemingly at all costs. I'd think it through before I'd feel it, but only after I carefully dip in with empathy before I turn that off and put it away for later. Its a defense mechanism that I am now coming to terms with. Its not that I don't want to feel and understand how someone else may feel...really I want to feel all of that. But for me, its like I have to be strong and level headed, so I soften the blow for myself and the other person by being cool. When I read that fives experience the pain of loneliness, fear and hurt as a child because they were vulnerable to emotions, it hit me hard. Thats not to say my mom didn't allow me to feel or express my emotions, but I went through a lot in school especially being bullied for being chubby. It hurt, but my emotions didn't matter...and so I would sort emotions away and just be there for other people so they didn't feel my pain...only to have them not need me, which hurt just as much (hence I thought I was more a 2 or a 9 personality; 2nd and 3rd respectively after my 5).

Sigh....so its a lot. I disagreed with it wholeheartedly because I was focused on the aspect of not wanting to talk to anyone, which is definitely not ME. I have charm, its a given as a Libra. However, I understand and relate to the solitude and wanting time to unwind. I relate to the scarcity mindset, which again has been an internal struggle of mine...and I hate it. Funny, I had to compartmentalize this to pull it back out and really evaluate my experiences to confirm or deny its accuracy. Maybe I disagreed with it at first because my nine type was 6% off from my five. Nines have a desire to live peaceful and in harmony with their environment. Twos want to be liked and find ways to be of service so that we can belong...yeah...that has people pleaser written all over it...one of my big struggles as well. But I get it. I accept the five personality type and I know I have much more to uncover and come to terms with. Its all part of my complexity, which is my authenticity.

See, and I wasn't even all that angry this round lol. Thanks for sticking with me on this one. More to come your way soon!