Tough Losses, Small Victories

I may have taken some tough losses, by the small victories do more than enough to remind me how far I've come in life. For that I am Grateful ALWAYS.

In this journey of life, there is a certain ebb and flow that comes with it.

There are the best parts of life we celebrate and often times take for granted:

Birthdays

Having a means to earn and provide for our families

Food on the table

Clothes on our Backs

Loved ones and Friendships

Promotions

Completing a project.

There’s the parts of life we wish to bury, but happen more often than we’d like:

The shortfalls.

The mishaps.

The failures.

Losing those we attach to (Relationships, Friendships).

Losing ourselves to circumstances.

If anyone knows about losses and transition points in life, it’s the Ronin that Writes.

In fact, just this week I had to take some losses.

I stepped out of a relationship that I really enjoyed and gave my all to!

I parted ways with people that no longer resonated or gave a fuck about me (See blog - Letter of Severance: The End of Dead Friendships)

I even said fuck it, and stepped completely away from Social Media (of course this will effect who finds out about my blogs here, but I will not let that stop me)

Tough Losses Hurt My Core

I don’t like to lose. I want things to flow easily. I want a life with no mistakes, which means no embarrassments in front of people. However, what I want and what is destined to occur are two very different things. To prevent one from happening means a disruption of nature…a disruption of life. Without the losses we won’t get the lessons in disguise. The blessings underneath the rust and the shattered rocks of what we expected to be the outcome. Forever and Abundance in everything.

It's like seeking to be flawless in everything: it doesn’t exist. Winning all the time doesn’t exist because if it did, we would grow bored and complacent. We would have nothing to strive for. We would have no growth. We would have no appreciation for the journey.

The losses that dug into me varied.

2018 - Fuck that year

Losing an entire Military Company in the field.

Stepping out of relationships because they weren’t a fit anymore.

Being ghosted or emotionally detached by those I tried to pursue.

Trying and failing multiple times to get my YouTube channel with my boy Agent F off the ground and in front of viewers that wanted to dive into deep concepts and conversations many just ignored.

Fear of the unknown and failure having me miss out on many opportunities I may or may not have known about.

Watching my kids struggle emotionally and academically in the walls of traditional school, which started their home school journey.

There’s so much more I can list and breakdown, but I’m not here to dwell on the losses and say that my life was shit.

These losses hurt my core, but I was able to regroup, re-calibrate, refocus, and re-engage.

I mourned the losses, and yet I was grateful for each of them because they brought me here, to this part of my journey to wherever I’m headed.

Whether I am seen, heard, appreciated, or not.

Celebrating the Small Victories

The Law of Polarity tells us that a single concept cannot exist without the other. Everything has a polar opposite, which in turn creates balance in nature. The same can be said with taking losses and achieving victories. Interestingly enough, I had to go through a separation in my marriage to look inward and get myself to find my way out of the heartbreak. I struggled so much with it, constantly seeking external validation between potential partners, and yet through the rejections and drifting I was able to refine my focus on myself and learn about this and the other Laws and Hermetic Principles.

If I didn’t get my Military Intelligence company lost in the field due to shitty land navigation and my own lack of preparation, the junior soldiers would’ve never had a chance to go mudding in the vehicles - something they enjoyed so much they were cheering me on when I felt like shit for screwing up. The company even had a chance to show the soldiers the importance of vehicle maintenance, as those Humvees, Deuces, and Five Tons took a beating in those Mud-pits!

If I didn’t go through the horrific downhill spiral of 2018, I wouldn’t have been here PERIOD! I wouldn’t be scared enough to put away for my kids and my retirements and investments. I wouldn’t have been able to better balance the family budget and rebound.

If it weren’t for getting rejected by the first apartment for my credit being shot, I would’ve never had this place locked in WITHOUT a credit check. A simple letter from my kids momma saying I paid her rent for a year (true story) got me this place…and it was a Christmas Miracle!

If I didn’t go through the academic and emotional disintegration of my three kids given their ADHD diagnosis, they would still be suffering behind the scenes and failing. They would be hating school even more than they already do. They wouldn’t be going at a slower pace nor learning the skills that truly apply in today's society. Thank goodness I work from home and kids momma doesn’t work a crazy schedule.

The YouTube channel failing and resetting to fail again allowed me the chance to learn video editing skills and software I can pick up and use at any time. I had a blast making promos and doing the edits…but it was a tremendous amount for one person to do alone…another vital lesson!

Most recently, I was in a deep mutually aligned relationship that was everything I hoped for, even through the distance. But, I had to step away because deep down I knew that what was brewing beneath the surface would have created even more friction. The past kept being brought up, and I believed heavily in the present moment, not the waves of the past to establish a potential pattern that may or may not “become” a red flag. I had to step away, not to escape, but to maintain my peace and preserve the kind of person I am inside. I had to stand up for myself. Without this experience, I wouldn’t have had a chance to see the qualities I hoped for in action, despite the flaws. I wouldn’t have been nudged to think differently and continue the work to refine myself and stand for what I believe in and what's within me.

I am Proud of ME!

I can go on and on, but my main reason for writing this is to say I am PROUD of ME and how far I’d come. I am grateful for the tough losses and even more grateful for the small victories. I don’t get to say that I am proud of myself all that often because I’ve been battered and beat myself up so much for failing and losing grip on what society says I need to be successful.

But I want to change that. No, I need to change that aspect of myself. Each night, I say seven things to myself before I head to sleep:

Today is Complete.

I am grateful for the gifts of today.

I forgive myself and others.

I practiced as best as I could.

Everything changes, and that's okay.

May all beings be safe, peaceful, and free.

Maximus, through it all, I am Proud of You!

I’ve come a long way, and I know there is more to go and grow. To know that I am at least proud of myself, gives me more than enough fuel to keep on doing my thing!

And do it I shall, by staying #WRITEntangled