The Iron-clad Mask: Rejecting ourselves, one appearance at a time

Its no secret. We each wear "Iron-clad masks" to give off the appearance of "who we think we are" or "feel we are" around different groups of people. But deep down, how does it feel to hide who you really are? Why do you hide who you are? Lets unpack with a quote from the TV adaption of Lev Grossman's "The Magicians"

A couple months back, I finally watched and finished The Magicians, a show based on a novel by Lev Grossman. As I watched Season 4, Episode 2 called Lost, Found, F***ed, there's a scene that delivered a heavy quote I want to dive into today that applies to the vast majority of us. 

Dean Todd is in his office and is approached by Etta, his tailor. This is right in the midst of the memory spell kicking in. Etta mentioned how it made her sad that he could barely stand himself, but it also made him her best customer. He questioned this, to which she replied:

"The bespoke suits, the hand-sewn shirts, its Armor - it's an armor to keep the world away. A disguise so that nobody can see what a truly loving heart you have."

As I do with every quote I love, I paused the scene, re-winded and replayed it at least three times to write it down (Thankfully I had captions on so I didn't capture the wrong words). I sat for a moment and realized the theme behind the quote is the Masks/Armor we wear.

Why We Become Iron-clad with Our Masks

Lets be real, many of us wear Masks whether we realize it or not. I recently finished a creative writing course on character development and the instructor quoted someone else in saying that

"characters become more dynamic based on how they interact with other people in their lives."

 The gist is, characters put on different masks, or shades of identity to show who they are. 

Our masks are part of our identity, or so we hope they appear that way. However, where a lot of us struggle is the masks show off who we THINK we are, rather than reveal who we REALLY are.

Titles and Accolades

Our masks can come in the form of titles and accolades. We can quickly turn our possessions into threads in our masks, to give off the perception that we are great. We have everything together. We are successful, or that our families are successful...publicity parenting or living vicariously through our children IS a thing! We may just disguise it as being supportive and cheering them on.

Ambitions and 'the will to WIN'

On the other end, some of us wear our masks in the form of us being ambitious to the point of recklessness. To prove a point that we are thoroughbred, tough, and impervious to failure. We're quick to puff out our chests and take on any challenge to show just how right we are. We are so knowledgeable but we weaponize it to show that we've got it like that through hard work, perseverance, and being in the right circles. 

The Victim mentality

We can wear the mask of the burden, the victim, the failure, and the downtrodden in order for us to receive sympathy from friends, family, and strangers alike.  We can share our heartfelt story for a thumbs up and commentary rather than unravel the root cause and put in the work to heal ourselves with the proper support.

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All these various forms of masks can, and often do hide, the true authentic form of who we are.

Who are you when you aren't taking the selfies? Who are you when you aren't out drinking with the boys or clubbing with the girls? 

Who are you when your kids aren't out there getting on the honor roll, killing the dance recitals, and making their rounds to be on the championship team? Who are you outside of your entanglement, marriage, or situation-ship? 

Who are you without the Tesla or Benz? Who are you without the multi-thousand dollar business and contracts and endorsements? 

Who are you when the doors of your five bedroom home are closed? You're all alone...you look in the mirror...who do you see?

Who Are YOU really?

You. You're base form. Singular, baseline, boring even. Ok...maybe not so much boring BUT...this is you, without all the noise of life. Without the responsibilities, the titles, the accolades, the makeup, etc. All these pieces of your armor are off...so who are you now? 

I have masks too! Amongst veterans, I carry myself as one. Amongst parents, especially fathers, I share stories about my kids (and all their many mishaps). I've been a loving husband to let others know I checked the block...hurray I did that! But underneath all that, I now know my authentic self under the mask and armor...and that's the side of me I want to BE more of.

The Real Me Is...

Creative, articulate, caring, a deep lover in the physical, mental, and spiritual, I'm a proud nerd!  These all represent authentic me, and I don't feel obligated or pressured to show these off. These come naturally. I have nothing to prove being these. I have no need to compete being these. Even fatherhood because that is who I am...it is a role that I fill, I don't have to compete with other parents NOR have my kids compete with their superstars. 

What Happens when you Surrender the Armor?

When you're able to let the armor down, you air it out.

You lighten your load, you're able to go farther. You're able to let the world in and see you for who you really are. 

When you let your armor down, your perception around you changes. You release the pressure to conform to societal pressures and standards. You have more control to say what works and what doesn't or wont work anymore. You can rest.

No need to be afraid that you won't be accepted. If they don't so be it. Someone will. Someone that appreciates your aesthetic. Your approach in life. Energy will always attract like energy. Vibes vibe in a similar vibe (Yes I said the same word three times don't judge me). 

Sure we all want to be seen, heard, and included in some way shape or form, BUT deep down we all have this inner regret that we don't get to be ourselves. 

Past Hurts thicken our Plates

So many of us are hurt from experiences, other people, or both. Or we've been witness to such atrocities so our armor and mask "protects" who we are. No...that is an illusion. You are a prison in your fears, your unresolved traumas you haven't faced and insecurities you haven't worked through...and if you don't, the world will miss out from that hidden spark in you.  

Times are hard, more uncertain than ever before. We are in an age where individualism and the definition of successful familial and romantic relationships are changing whether we want to acknowledge it or not. We need each other. To truly connect we have to surrender that which hold us prisoner. We need to bare all that we are and say this is me, I will hide no more, and embrace what happens. 

In the long run, sure there will be discomfort. Sure we may feel isolated and alone, BUT, we have ourselves and we can heal with the experience. Others will rally towards you and want to travel the journey with you, because you see them, and they now see you too.

So again I ask, who are you...and who do you want to become? Surrender your armor, and just BE you. 

Lets Stay #WRITEntangled